Seasons

"So have you met anyone yet?"

These - or a similar variation - are familiar words to many singles. I heard them over and over back in college, every time I went home for Christmas or summer. Several years later, as a missionary teacher in South Korea, this phrase continues to haunt me when I return to the States for summer break. It would seem that the primary reason to attend college or to move away or to work overseas is to meet one's future spouse. At least, that is the impression I have after answering this question one more time for the hundredth time.

Then there is another question which I find gives a bit more of a twist inside my soul: "When are you coming back and settling down? Don't you think it's time to get married?"

As if I had control over the fact that I am not yet married and all that is required of me is to move back to the States and settle into a nice, "normal," lifestyle where I can meet some nice, normal boy and do what all nice, normal people do - marry and raise a family.

Now I am most definitely not against getting married and raising a family. I still cling to the hope that one day the Lord will allow me to do just that. But I am learning not to cling too tightly to that hope. There are consequences when it becomes an all-consuming focus - consequences that I have dealt with too many times. I am learning to hold that desire loosely, to stretch my hand out with the hope of marriage resting in its palm and to offer it to the Lord, the Lover of my soul, and to allow Him to fulfill it or deny it as He determines best for today.

I think that the Church as a whole - and I am aware that this is a very generalized statement - has done a disservice to its single members. By focusing so much on the Christian family unit and what a godly marriage looks like, we have somehow come to believe that God intends for all believers to get married and raise a godly family. Certainly, much in the Bible points to the importance of this, and it is true that there is probably much more on marriage and parenting than on singleness in Scripture. It is also true that most people do end up marrying at some point in their lives. I understand why it is considered the norm. I am not debating that at all.

What I am concerned about is the emphasis that is put on marriage and being prepared for marriage and finding the right "one" for the young people in the Church, when that is obviously not God's will for everyone. I have wished that somewhere in my growing up years (I grew up in a godly home, attending a godly church, surrounded by very godly men and women, by the way), someone had had the audacity to suggest that maybe - just maybe - I might not get married. Or even that I just might not get married right away, that there might be a stretch of singleness in my future at some point. Then, after making such a suggestion, I wish that that brave person would have had the foresight to at least offer some insights as to what godly singleness looked like and how I could be preparing myself for the possibility that God might have a call other than marriage on my life. Perhaps then there might not have been so much self-questioning, so much wondering what was wrong with me when all my friends got married and I was left without a man to call husband. Perhaps I might have figured out what contentment in singleness looks like much sooner and not wasted time wishing for what I did not have. Perhaps I would have kept my standards high and not walked into relationships that left deep scars simply because I wanted to be wanted.

I have come to believe that the Lord has seasons laid out for us, and in each season, He has specific purposes for us to accomplish. Singleness is just one of those seasons. For some, it is a short time and then it is gone, not to return for the rest of their lives. For others, it is a period of time that comes after marriage, due to divorce or the death of a spouse. For the rest of us, it is an indeterminate stretch of time that occurs between high school and an unknown future. Sometimes it is ended at a later point in time by marriage and sometimes it lasts an entire lifetime, but to those of us living within that season of singleness, there is no guarantee either way.

So if the Lord has given me this season of singleness, and if He does indeed have a specific purpose to accomplish in this season, where does that leave me? How do I discover the purpose and meaning in being single?

Get to know Him.

Use this season of singleness to develop a single focus: Jesus Christ. Spend time discovering Who He is and what He desires of you. Learn to recognize His voice - what it means to be still and know that He is God. Allow Him to truly be your Lord and Master, your Redeemer, your Maker Who is your Husband. Make the most of this season that has been given to you. Accept it as the gift it is and encourage others in the Church, whether married or single, to view it as such.

I truly believe - because I have experienced this in my own life and seen it in others' lives - that if we could do this one thing, this getting to know Jesus, we would find that singleness would become a season to treasure, a season of fruitfulness and even a season to be desired. When we stop expecting marriage to be the normal course of life and we stop assuming that God has a life-partner out there for us and is just holding out on us right now - and we begin instead to learn what Paul meant about being wholly devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit, we find that He has plenty to keep us busy and content. We find that we have opportunities to serve Him that we could have never dreamed up and that He has filled us too full of life on our own to wonder why we have not "met anyone yet."