Identity

I have been having an identity crisis this summer. As of the beginning of June, both my job and my specific ministry came to a halt. I left Korea, the place I have worked, played, grown and come to love in the last six years, and I returned to the States, knowing that I would not be back this fall for the new school year. It was a transition I was both dreading and excitedly anticipating. The dread came from not knowing what was next, the anticipation from wondering what God will do in the next few months.

I knew to expect to have to readjust to American culture, to find certain aspects more difficult - to feel different because of my overseas experiences. I knew that going to the store would be overwhelming sometimes and that I would still want to bow a little when I greet people or place my left hand on my right elbow when I hand money to the cashier (a sign of respect in Korea)or look for the light switches on the outside of rooms. I knew I would miss kimchi and calbi and buddae chiggae. (If you do not know what those are, your life is sadly incomplete!) Most of all, I knew I would miss people and relationships that have been my source of comfort and joy and challenge and encouragement for the last few years. I had prepared myself for all of these possibilities and more. But I was not prepared for the identity crisis that hit me this summer.

It began in earnest the first time I contemplated going to church. The idea of walking into a place where I used to feel I belonged nearly caused me a panic attack the first few Sundays. Suddenly, I didn't know where I fit in, who I was in relation to the people there, how I was supposed to be a part of a body I used to count as close as family. Who was I, really, if not a "missionary?"

And that began my journey of learning who I am in this new context, who I am in Christ. It's not over by any means, and it has been painful at times as the Lord has stripped away the things I have leaned on to define myself in the past few years, but I would like to share with you some of the things He has shown me. He has given me hope for this leg of the journey, reminding me that He is always with me, always loving me through the difficult times like these.

First of all, He has reminded me that identity is not based on what I do. Teaching overseas in a Christian school does not define who I am. It may reveal things about me, but it is not ultimately me. Who I am, really, is the new creation that Christ has made me. I am redeemed, restored, sanctified, justified in the truest reality, and this life is a process of living out the righteousness of Christ in me.

From there, He is leading me to prioritize my time and energy according to the burdens and callings He has given me. For me, specifically, this falls in the area of discipleship. I desire to see the Body equipped, built up, called out to be who it is meant to be - to see people rise up and follow Christ wholeheartedly. He has burdened me to be a part of that in whatever capacity I am able to fill. What I do to earn money or make a living is not the issue here - what I am doing to build His Kingdom is of far more importance. He will provide the rest.

And finally, He is showing me, again, that there is eternal value in little things. No, I am not working overseas and I am not teaching or using my college degree exactly as it was meant to be used - but He has placed family and friends and people around me that He desires me to serve and love. He has given me relationships that need to be cultivated and opportunities to bless people who have blessed me innumerable times. And He has shown me over and over that He is enough - He is sufficient for every phase of life, every twist in the story He is writing. As much as I wonder what He is doing, I know that He is good, and that goodness will be evident in the things that lie ahead. I know that I must choose to trust and obey Him - that in the end, that is the only choice that makes sense.