Water

Refreshing Grace
flow over me
cover me
sweep away
the weariness
the heart-sore sighs
the sin-seasoned grief
Fill me
with new life
Renew my soul
with Your merciful tide
Cause me to rest
afloat
on Your waves
even as
I sink
within Your depths
Overflow
from my heart
spilling Living Water
cool and clear
to quench
others’ thirst
even as
I am satisfied
in You
in Your grace
Come for me
Overcome me
Wash me
away
Take my place
until
“Not I -
but Christ”
flows pure and true

A Reason To Sing

Over the past year or two, I have become increasingly aware of a sort of antipathy towards music in worship. It's come up in the form of conversations, comments and quotes on Facebook, blog posts, and links to articles, among other things. It seems to take two basic forms: one, that too often worship is equated with music alone, so therefore a person cannot or will not enjoy or participate in the musical portion of a worship service; and two, that the music used in worship - actually, the lyrics, I believe, is what's being referred to in this instance - does not accurately reflect where a person is in his Christian walk, so therefore, he cannot or should not sing those words because they are not true (at least for him). I have listened to people talk about these issues and read some of these articles and often as a result, I have been provoked to thoughtful reflection on the concept of music in worship. But although I have tried to listen well and hear what is actually being said, I have also felt broadsided by the criticism and cynicism that seems to accompany much of this discussion.

Now I will freely admit that I am a musical person. Music is important to me. I love music. I teach music. Music has always been a part of my life. God speaks to me through music.

But I think this issue goes beyond preferences and giftings and what appeals to us as individuals. This issue comes up against a larger issue of discipline and obedience. This is not about whether I enjoy music or whether I'm a good singer or whether I can play an instrument or not. It's not about whether I agree with all of the philosophies of people leading music or using music in worship. This is not even about whether or not I can carry a tune or feel comfortable singing in a group. Ultimately, this comes down to whether or not I take God seriously when He says something. And God does have something to say about music: He says "Sing to the Lord. Make music. Play skillfully. Make melodies in your hearts. Speak to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs." It's in both the Old and New Testaments. (See 1 Chronicles 16:23; Psalm 30:4; Psalm 96:1-2; Isaiah 42:10-11; Ephesians 5:18-20; Colossians 3:15-17; a myriad of psalms and other references I did not list. Look it up for yourself – music is all through the Bible!)

The first side of this discussion that I mentioned is that too often music is equated with worship. I agree. It is true that, sadly, the words "worship" and "music" are often interchangeable in Christian circles. They shouldn't be, because music is only one aspect of worship, which is giving God what He is worth or acknowledging His "worth-ship." Worship should be a part of every aspect of life for the believer, whether he is singing an anthem with a marvelous choir or scrubbing a dirty toilet. Trust me, I know about both singing with choirs and toilet-scrubbing. I was a music major at a Christian university and I was privileged to sing wonderful, majestic pieces of God-praising music with choirs of gifted people. I also worked on a custodial crew in my dormitory, and more than once, God reminded me that I was to do everything as unto Him - whether I was singing or cleaning toilets (Colossians 3:17, 22-24). (Sometimes, I even did both at the same time...!)

Like I said, I enjoy music. I love to sing. However, I hate scrubbing toilets. I do not enjoy it at all - but I have a choice and an opportunity to present that act of service as worship to the Lord. On the other hand, because music comes naturally to me, I can just as easily be in danger of mindlessly singing songs without truly worshipping. It all lies in the heart and a desire to offer everything I do as worship to the Lord, whether I enjoy it or not, and whether I'm "good" at it or not.

So, yes, I agree that music is not always the same thing as worship - but music is a way to worship, and God does tell us to use it in worship. How much it is used, or how loudly a person sings or what role it plays in worship may vary from person to person. I believe there is freedom for those differences of opinion and preference. I disagree, however, that we have the option of doing without it at all simply because it is sometimes given more importance than it should be assigned. The commands to sing are still there in Scripture, along with the commands to pray, to give thanks, to teach the Word, to give to the poor, to love one another, etc. We should not throw out one part simply because it is overused or misused or because we personally don't like it. This is where obedience and discipline come in - will we obey even when we don't feel like it or the circumstances don't match our expectations? Will we choose to worship because God is worthy of our worship, not because we like the form worship is taking at the moment?

The second form of arguments I've come across is to the effect that singing words that are not true in a person's life makes that person a liar, and since lying is wrong, the implied conclusion is that he should not sing those words. One example I remember being used for this idea was the old hymn, "Victory In Jesus." The author of this particular article seemed to feel that if he was not experiencing victory in his life then he didn't have any business singing about it.

I disagree. There is victory in Jesus, and just because someone doesn't feel it in his life doesn't make it less true. It may mean that he is not living it out as he is called to do, which in turn means that he needs to do some soul-searching, some praying and some repenting. Personally, when I sing a song with words that I know should be true but currently aren't true for me, this is what it says to me: it says that there is more to life than what I see, what I experience and what I feel. There is another reality - also known as eternity or the Kingdom of God - that is truer and more real than this world and this life, and that is where I am called to live. No, the words may not be true for me today, in this moment, but they can become a prayer that they would be true and a challenge to be obedient and make them true. Sometimes it makes me pause in the middle of the song and think more deeply about what I'm testifying to as I sing. Sometimes I do need to drop out for a verse or two or three until I've confessed my sinfulness and neediness to the Lord. I do want to be authentic and real in what I sing, in how I live, in what I say and do. But if I wait until every aspect of my life matches what I know to be true from the Bible, I will never be able to sing truth or speak truth. There will always be room for growth and change, and the truth in these songs makes me desire to do just that - grow and change until Christ is formed in me.

I titled this post "A Reason To Sing" because a song has been running through my head a couple of days now. The bridge says the following:

"All of my life,
In every season,
You are still God -
I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship."

My intent is not to downplay or trivialize anyone's honest search for truth in this area of music and worship. It just seems that often this struggle becomes more focused on the people themselves than on Scripture and God. I've been troubled by this attitude towards music for awhile now, but as I was singing these words yesterday and today, they reminded me once again of the facts that we are commanded to sing and that truth is not based on how we feel.

The truth is that we serve a great God. He is always God, no matter what season of life we are facing, no matter what our circumstances may be at the moment, no matter what we are struggling with, no matter how we feel.

He is always worthy of our worship in every aspect of our lives.

And if we will remember that, then I believe we can always find a reason to sing.

Autumn 2010

In the last few weeks, I've had various people ask me if I'm enjoying my time of resting.

I always hesitate to answer that question. I want to tell the truth, and somehow "enjoying" doesn't seem to be the right word for this season.

Is it good to rest? Yes. Am I learning many things? Yes. Do I feel God is with me in this time of uncertainty and seeming aimlessness? Absolutely.

Am I enjoying it? Not necessarily.

God is stretching me beyond myself, bringing me to repentance over my insatiable need to be busy and feel productive, to think that I am contributing in tangible ways to His work. Again and again, He stills my agitated heart - and hands - and prompts me to be still. And not just sit still. No - I must BE still - all of me, inside and out. Then, to further stretch me, He adds to the instruction to be still the command to rejoice in it, to praise Him and find joy in this time of resting, restraining myself and living with uncertainty.

Perhaps I am supposed to enjoy it, after all....

In the meantime, He has not left me idle. Being still is not the same thing as being lazy, and of that He often reminds me.

I have been teaching my niece for a little over a month now. She comes over to the house three mornings a week, and we cover pre-school basics. She is a delightful little bundle of energy and contradictions, and I adore her. I admit that she does keep me guessing as to how she will attempt to squirm and charm her way out of doing her "schoolwork" next, but I believe that we have each met our match in the other. Here are some pictures of Kaila at "school" with Aunt Becca:







Sydney at the park on our "field trip."



I have also become my mom's designated chauffeur. A few weeks ago, she and I were on our way to pick up horsefeed in her minivan when a teenaged driver swerved into us and hit the van. No one was hurt, thankfully, but he was taken off to jail, and the insurance declared the van totalled. We're hoping to get a new vehicle in the near future, but in the meantime, I drive her most places in my dad's old truck. It's a standard, and she doesn't drive stick. I do, thanks to driving in Korea - and I have to say, I enjoy the feeling of power in driving that big old thing....

Overall, I know that this period of rest is what I needed. There are many good things in it, and much of it has been good for me. I do love having time with my family. I miss teaching and being busy, but I've seen over and over that this time to focus on restoration and transition has been - and is, still - necessary for me. I'm grateful that He has arranged it, and I look forward to what He will bring out of it.

Am I enjoying my rest? Well, when you put it that way - yes, I guess I am.

Identity

I have been having an identity crisis this summer. As of the beginning of June, both my job and my specific ministry came to a halt. I left Korea, the place I have worked, played, grown and come to love in the last six years, and I returned to the States, knowing that I would not be back this fall for the new school year. It was a transition I was both dreading and excitedly anticipating. The dread came from not knowing what was next, the anticipation from wondering what God will do in the next few months.

I knew to expect to have to readjust to American culture, to find certain aspects more difficult - to feel different because of my overseas experiences. I knew that going to the store would be overwhelming sometimes and that I would still want to bow a little when I greet people or place my left hand on my right elbow when I hand money to the cashier (a sign of respect in Korea)or look for the light switches on the outside of rooms. I knew I would miss kimchi and calbi and buddae chiggae. (If you do not know what those are, your life is sadly incomplete!) Most of all, I knew I would miss people and relationships that have been my source of comfort and joy and challenge and encouragement for the last few years. I had prepared myself for all of these possibilities and more. But I was not prepared for the identity crisis that hit me this summer.

It began in earnest the first time I contemplated going to church. The idea of walking into a place where I used to feel I belonged nearly caused me a panic attack the first few Sundays. Suddenly, I didn't know where I fit in, who I was in relation to the people there, how I was supposed to be a part of a body I used to count as close as family. Who was I, really, if not a "missionary?"

And that began my journey of learning who I am in this new context, who I am in Christ. It's not over by any means, and it has been painful at times as the Lord has stripped away the things I have leaned on to define myself in the past few years, but I would like to share with you some of the things He has shown me. He has given me hope for this leg of the journey, reminding me that He is always with me, always loving me through the difficult times like these.

First of all, He has reminded me that identity is not based on what I do. Teaching overseas in a Christian school does not define who I am. It may reveal things about me, but it is not ultimately me. Who I am, really, is the new creation that Christ has made me. I am redeemed, restored, sanctified, justified in the truest reality, and this life is a process of living out the righteousness of Christ in me.

From there, He is leading me to prioritize my time and energy according to the burdens and callings He has given me. For me, specifically, this falls in the area of discipleship. I desire to see the Body equipped, built up, called out to be who it is meant to be - to see people rise up and follow Christ wholeheartedly. He has burdened me to be a part of that in whatever capacity I am able to fill. What I do to earn money or make a living is not the issue here - what I am doing to build His Kingdom is of far more importance. He will provide the rest.

And finally, He is showing me, again, that there is eternal value in little things. No, I am not working overseas and I am not teaching or using my college degree exactly as it was meant to be used - but He has placed family and friends and people around me that He desires me to serve and love. He has given me relationships that need to be cultivated and opportunities to bless people who have blessed me innumerable times. And He has shown me over and over that He is enough - He is sufficient for every phase of life, every twist in the story He is writing. As much as I wonder what He is doing, I know that He is good, and that goodness will be evident in the things that lie ahead. I know that I must choose to trust and obey Him - that in the end, that is the only choice that makes sense.

Today...

Today I had the opportunity to put into practice what I have counseled others to do.

Today I had the opportunity to let go of past sins and past choices that haunt my footsteps.

Today I had the opportunity to open my hands and receive the gracious forgiveness of my Savior.

Today I had the opportunity to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.

Today I had the opportunity to turn away from fear and discouragement and the oppressive helplessness of those emotions.

Today I had the chance to revisit the Cross and revel in what Jesus Christ did for me there.

Today I had the opportunity to accept my righteous standing before God through Christ and Christ alone.

Today I had the opportunity to overcome through His resurrection power.

Worship

The shattering of my soul

continues,

bringing brokenness.

Death to the walls

of my perspective,

my experiences

my knowledge.

Life floods the broken walls,

flowing, filling, renewing.

Beauty rises,

stretches her hands in praise,

continues

forward in peace.

Steadfast

Empowered
by Your grace
we raise our heads
and face
the scavenger of death,
the hissing
of sin personified.
No longer lambs,
we stand
with the Lion of Judah -
You.
Your LIFE transfuses
this weary flesh,
these dry bones;
Your Spirit calls us
to raise the sword
and engage this war.
Covered in Your armor,
we tread forward
with confidence
in Your presence
to win back these souls
that are lost,
to see others rise
to the call,
to form the Body
You created us
to be.
Victory rings
with certainty
through our very beings
as You advance
Your army.
Nothing can stand
before the sovereignty
of Your crown,
our King,
our Lord,
our God.