Identity

I have been having an identity crisis this summer. As of the beginning of June, both my job and my specific ministry came to a halt. I left Korea, the place I have worked, played, grown and come to love in the last six years, and I returned to the States, knowing that I would not be back this fall for the new school year. It was a transition I was both dreading and excitedly anticipating. The dread came from not knowing what was next, the anticipation from wondering what God will do in the next few months.

I knew to expect to have to readjust to American culture, to find certain aspects more difficult - to feel different because of my overseas experiences. I knew that going to the store would be overwhelming sometimes and that I would still want to bow a little when I greet people or place my left hand on my right elbow when I hand money to the cashier (a sign of respect in Korea)or look for the light switches on the outside of rooms. I knew I would miss kimchi and calbi and buddae chiggae. (If you do not know what those are, your life is sadly incomplete!) Most of all, I knew I would miss people and relationships that have been my source of comfort and joy and challenge and encouragement for the last few years. I had prepared myself for all of these possibilities and more. But I was not prepared for the identity crisis that hit me this summer.

It began in earnest the first time I contemplated going to church. The idea of walking into a place where I used to feel I belonged nearly caused me a panic attack the first few Sundays. Suddenly, I didn't know where I fit in, who I was in relation to the people there, how I was supposed to be a part of a body I used to count as close as family. Who was I, really, if not a "missionary?"

And that began my journey of learning who I am in this new context, who I am in Christ. It's not over by any means, and it has been painful at times as the Lord has stripped away the things I have leaned on to define myself in the past few years, but I would like to share with you some of the things He has shown me. He has given me hope for this leg of the journey, reminding me that He is always with me, always loving me through the difficult times like these.

First of all, He has reminded me that identity is not based on what I do. Teaching overseas in a Christian school does not define who I am. It may reveal things about me, but it is not ultimately me. Who I am, really, is the new creation that Christ has made me. I am redeemed, restored, sanctified, justified in the truest reality, and this life is a process of living out the righteousness of Christ in me.

From there, He is leading me to prioritize my time and energy according to the burdens and callings He has given me. For me, specifically, this falls in the area of discipleship. I desire to see the Body equipped, built up, called out to be who it is meant to be - to see people rise up and follow Christ wholeheartedly. He has burdened me to be a part of that in whatever capacity I am able to fill. What I do to earn money or make a living is not the issue here - what I am doing to build His Kingdom is of far more importance. He will provide the rest.

And finally, He is showing me, again, that there is eternal value in little things. No, I am not working overseas and I am not teaching or using my college degree exactly as it was meant to be used - but He has placed family and friends and people around me that He desires me to serve and love. He has given me relationships that need to be cultivated and opportunities to bless people who have blessed me innumerable times. And He has shown me over and over that He is enough - He is sufficient for every phase of life, every twist in the story He is writing. As much as I wonder what He is doing, I know that He is good, and that goodness will be evident in the things that lie ahead. I know that I must choose to trust and obey Him - that in the end, that is the only choice that makes sense.

Today...

Today I had the opportunity to put into practice what I have counseled others to do.

Today I had the opportunity to let go of past sins and past choices that haunt my footsteps.

Today I had the opportunity to open my hands and receive the gracious forgiveness of my Savior.

Today I had the opportunity to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.

Today I had the opportunity to turn away from fear and discouragement and the oppressive helplessness of those emotions.

Today I had the chance to revisit the Cross and revel in what Jesus Christ did for me there.

Today I had the opportunity to accept my righteous standing before God through Christ and Christ alone.

Today I had the opportunity to overcome through His resurrection power.

Worship

The shattering of my soul

continues,

bringing brokenness.

Death to the walls

of my perspective,

my experiences

my knowledge.

Life floods the broken walls,

flowing, filling, renewing.

Beauty rises,

stretches her hands in praise,

continues

forward in peace.

Steadfast

Empowered
by Your grace
we raise our heads
and face
the scavenger of death,
the hissing
of sin personified.
No longer lambs,
we stand
with the Lion of Judah -
You.
Your LIFE transfuses
this weary flesh,
these dry bones;
Your Spirit calls us
to raise the sword
and engage this war.
Covered in Your armor,
we tread forward
with confidence
in Your presence
to win back these souls
that are lost,
to see others rise
to the call,
to form the Body
You created us
to be.
Victory rings
with certainty
through our very beings
as You advance
Your army.
Nothing can stand
before the sovereignty
of Your crown,
our King,
our Lord,
our God.

Journey

I stand at the grave

of Hope
and I pause
battling myself
my desires
how did this come to be?
memories of the altar
the lowering blade -
where was the substitute sacrifice?
isn't that what You do?
isn't that Your way?
not this
not death
not defeat
surrender -
I chose surrender
and You gave me this?
Lord God, why?
I stand here
I pause -
and in that breath
You speak
You call me to leave
this grave
and to come away
to look up
as Holiness walks beside me
and leads me on
through the fire
that ravages my soul
in the distance
I see a new Hope
refined and purified
waiting for me
no defeat after all
only sovereign delay
no longer standing
I walk in confidence
leaving behind
the old Hope
and rejoicing
in what You have made new

Beloved

I stand before You
Naked
Yet unashamed
Trembling
Before Your piercing eye
Knowing You see
Every blemish
Every scar
Every imperfection
Every wound
Nothing covers me
Nothing shields me
From Your gaze
I hold nothing
In my hands now
All that I could bring
With me
Lies at Your feet
Unheeded
Worthless
And I am stripped
Vulnerable
Waiting
I know You
Have called me
I know You
Love me
I know You
Yet I die
Agonizingly expectant
And I come alive
Breathlessly hopeful
As You speak
My name
Beautiful
Captivating
Your robes cover me
You shield me
From the haunting eyes
Of others
You protect me
I stand in confidence
Before You
Complete in You
Whole
Redeemed
Yours

Yearning

Come out
from the shadows
stand in the Light
and see His face
there
before you -
His Bride
He has called you
did you not hear
His voice
speaking your name?
He has ransomed you
rescued you
from death itself
Still you cower
doubting His call
doubting His grace
doubting Him
Will you not step forward?
bask in His presence?
be His Bride?
O come!
You are His
and He would give Life
full
abundant
free
to you
living in you
He is yours
and in Him
you have all
you need
Come be
who He created you to be
Reveal your beauty
your holiness
your compassion and love
Cast away your lovers
your false husbands
and be His!
wholly, completely His!
Rouse yourself
from your complacent
sleep
and come
be the Bride
He has called you to be.